[At auto store]
Employee: How can we get you to walk out of here with 4 tires?
“Sir, you are wildly overestimating my strength.”
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A guy from HS asked my best friend why I hate him.
She said, “It’s not personal. Amy hates everybody.”
It’s cool that she gets me.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
7: Are monsters real Mommy?
Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
Restless leg syndrome does not give you the right to swiftly kick people whenever you feel like it. I know that now.. 😆
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?