@hipchkk: The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
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@david8hughes: [sees old friend after 4 years] "God, you were so fat back in school." "Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year." "No you didn't."
@mishakey: How come when my kid wants to show me something, she has to place it directly inside my cornea?
@DillDoes: *Burglar breaks into my room* *he looks around* *he softly wakes me up* Dude do you need some money or something? I'd be happy to help
@MelvinofYork: I just told my boss that "STFU" stands for "Sincere Thanks For Understanding" and it's REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise