The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
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It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
I put on my Godzilla costume, then go to the miniature golf course to beat up the windmill.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
leatherface: cmon, we’re gonna be late!
pinhead: *putting in one pin at a time* this doesn’t just HAPPEN you know
leatherface: you look fine
Job interviewer: What are your strengths?
Me: Is the next question going to be about weaknesses?
JI: Yes.
Me: I’m very perceptive.
Ugh having a body is so uncomfortable
I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.