@hipchkk: The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
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@trumpetcake: People always complain that I'm "out there." [On the phone. To the cops. While I'm sitting in their birdbath.]
@CaniacMONK: My superpower is getting behind the person who is obviously refinancing their mortgage at the ATM.
@krustythe_klown: The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
@jergarl: Things I've mastered: 1) Learning stuff the hard way. 2) 3) Missing the point. 4) Not finishing anything.