Another way they could improve cricket is by having seven to eight golden retrievers on the pitch at all times
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Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Netflix: “Are you still watching? Do you have any hobbies?”
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
*whispers to old lady at Starbucks*
one time they ran out of coffee here and we ate a baby
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*