The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
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Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Life can change in an instant. Hug the people you love, and appreciate what you have, before it’s gone.
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
My cable froze and Ray Liotta was staring at me for like 30 minutes. It changed me, man.
For the baby who has everything
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I am going to the Antique Roadshow. Gonna slap my tampon on the table and ask them what period it’s from.
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
(On phone) Him: I just ran a marathon in under four? Me: (eating) months or years?
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
boss: there aren’t problems, only opportunities
me: ok there’s a huge cockroach opportunity in the break room
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
hair coloring options for women:
out of a box = $12.99
going to a hair salon = $7,000