Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
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[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.
You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
optimus prime: did she just wink at me?
me: i think she’s turning left
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.