The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
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I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Straight people are cancelled
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
9yo son: The difference between moms and dads is that when you say “I’m hungry,” moms say “go eat something” and dads say “hi, Hungry, I’m dad.”
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo