The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
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*presses lips against mic*
I wished I sanitized this first
Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod
barbara was highly relatable
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
this is the news I live for
You say tired, I say challenge.
-A toddler at bedtime.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Swedish for common sense.
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
I think they should use stronger sealant on cookie packaging so at least you get a decent workout before eating the entire box.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*