[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
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When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
People mock Snapchat, but I spent the first 36 yrs of my life wondering how my friends would look as rainbow alien puppies AND NOW I KNOW.
I quit my job after my boss started paying me in vegetables.
I couldn’t live off of that celery.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
[breakfast time]
Me: What do you want?My kid: I’m not sure
Me: How about the same thing you had yesterday and every single day before that?
My kid: I need more time to think
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
*brakes hard*
*throws arm across passenger seat to protect pizza*
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
Those gender reveal parties are getting crazier and crazier