The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
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i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
You ever look at a crazy person in a drive-thru window and scream “credit or debit is fine!” and then realize the window wasn’t open and you’re screaming at yourself?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
Her: I just programmed all of my friends into my new cell phone.
Me: Wow, it holds three whole numbers?
My wife wanted me to stain the deck today, so I spilled my coffee and stomped a bunch of blueberries.
That woman has no sense of humour.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
Lmfaoooooo
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
SAM:
Say! I like green eggs and ham!
I do! I like them, Sam-I-am!
I did eat them in a box.
I did eat them with a fox.
I did eat them in a house.
I did eat them with a mouse.DOCTOR:
So, what seems to be the problem?SAM:
I am pooping here and there.
I am pooping everywhere.
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
thank god the sign was there
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
Biting her lip, she felt herself grow hot when she saw the sheer size of him.
“You’re so big,” she cooed to her student loan debt.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.