@TheTweetOfGod: The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine's Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.
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@Brianhopecomedy: Saw a phone booth. Hopped in. Came out. Didn't become Superman. Now it just looks like I was hiding while that lady was getting mugged.
@TheHoyBoy_: When I go to someone's house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don't like visitors
@daemonic3: Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat's back & everyone wonders why you're naked.
@CopBroughtPizza: "even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN'T kill." - my first and last day as a defense attorney