*wife hangs a “No Diving” sign above the tub like that’s going to stop me*
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Mrs. Jekyll: I’m eating for two
Dr. Jekyll: oh no not you too
Wife: I left the kids with you for a half hour & they dumped 3 pounds of sugar in the dryer trying to make cotton candy.
Me: Did it work?
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
If you cut me off in traffic you better be ready to look in your rearview mirror and see me yelling something you can’t hear.
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
My friend just told me she’s sick and when I asked how she thinks she got it she told me it all started when she yelled at a bird who attacked her and I don’t know if I’m ready to dive into this
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
You had me at “define legal”.
My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”
professor: there are no stupid questions
me: if i ate myself would i disappear or be twice as big
professor:
me:
professor: there is one stupid question