cat owners will hear their cat go “prrrp” in a certain tone and be like “oh one second my cat wants the heating pad turned on”
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Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
me: I had to sell my car to make rent this month
therapist: how does that make you feel
me: pretty tired I walk a lot
People who use the wrong words sometimes should have the humidity to admit it.
My dentist said my teeth were stained and asked if I smoke or drink coffee? I said, “I drink it.”
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs