[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
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In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
6 month checkup…
Doctor: You don’t look so good. Do you smoke or drink alcohol?
Me: I drink it.
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Growing up was a huge mistake
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
WHAT I SAY: that’s one way of looking at it
WHAT I MEAN: in the history of stupid things said by stupid people, what just came out of your mouth is, by far, the stupidest. If there were stupidity trophies, yours would be gold plated and set atop a plinth reading STUPID.
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.
[NASCAR Press Conference]
REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?
DRIVER: Fast circles
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.