The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
People who hum in public must be blissfully unaware of how close to death they are at all times
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
The forest creatures begin stampeding.
You turn to me, clearly scared.
“We have no reason to fear the animals,” I reassure you.
You smile nervously. “Thank go—”
“Worry about whatever’s spooking them.”
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at my shirt pocket where a mouse pointing a gun at me is sitting]: cheese