@XplodingUnicorn: The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
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@zipoffs: just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
@DaddyJew: Girl: do you have a condom? Me: c'mon what's the worst that could happen *hears a knock on the door 4: daddy I think I started a fire
@HatfieldAnne: Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story.
@randomapeig: Cop: seen anything unusual? Me: a dolphin with a hat once Cop: I mean around here Me: nah they live in water