@BestScienceJoke: The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
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@Nahdude83: Joe: If you love it so much why don't you marry it? Jim: Hmm [Two weeks later] Jim: Meet my new wife! *holds up Joe's wife's potato salad*
@varoon_singh: When a bird hits your window have you ever wondered if God is playing angry birds with you?
@DuaneABarrett: Just overheard someone say, "I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries." You know. Like a book.
@FrenulumBreve: [love making] Her: [leans in] "do that thing you know I like." [i cease to exist] Her: "yeah baby."