The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
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*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”
“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
*bludgeons you with a block of cheese
*eats evidence
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
*walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
Did you survive the titanic based on your zodiac sign
Aries: yes
Taurus: yes
Gemini: yes
Cancer: yes
Leo: no
Virgo: yes
Libra: yes
Scorpio: yes
Sagittarius: yes
Capricorn: yes
Aquarius: yes
Pisces: yes
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Genie: What is your last wish
Me: Make me stop second-guessing myself
Genie: You sure that’s what you want?
Me: GAAAHHHH
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Day new couch arrives: No more food or drinks on the couch, I’m serious!
1 week later: *Kids are eating pancakes directly off the cushions*
My mechanic told me I have to pick up my car by 5:00pm but there’s no way I’ll be strong enough by then.
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet