send me a picture of a beloved item in your home
please include your address if the item is expensive and easy to carry
You Might Also Like
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
His best quality?
His bad eyesight. He thinks I’m beautiful.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I’m not saying I’m a hero, but I did just give a bottle of wine mouth to mouth.
It didn’t make it.
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
The CIA should be exclusively recruiting women over 60 as spies – we are invisible and no one can hear us