First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
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It’s my son’s 4th birthday so I volunteered to help out on his class trip to Chinatown.
If you don’t hear from me again, they won.
never deleting this app.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad.
5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.
My mispronunciation of French words is a touché subject.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Sometimes I think about when my 2 friends asked me to play the board game “Risk.” They were both smart & ultracompetitive, & focused on annihilating each other. Nonstop trash talk. They forgot I was playing until suddenly they realized I had taken over the world & won the game.
Oh god I decided to look cute instead of wearing stretchy clothes and now I’m being bisected by the waistband of my pants and I have such regrets
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
My wife gives the best headache.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
[First date]
Her dad: I want her home before midnight
Me: but you already own her home
Dad: *turning to daughter* if you don’t sleep with him, I will
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous