When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
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TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
A man just shouted at me until I answered his questionnaire on christianity. He scared the b) Jesus out of me.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
{hears husband calling out from the shower. Son walks in room.}
Me: Hey Bubby, what did Daddy say?
Son: He says he loves you.
Me: No really, what did he say?
Son: He says he’d love you to get him a towel.
Me: Yeah, now that sounds about right.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
God: you’re a capybara.
Capybara: yay!
God: you’re the largest rodent.
Capybara: double yay!
God: also you live in South America.
Capybara: so cool!
God: wow you’re in a great mood!
Capybara: just living my personal motto!
God: which is?
Capybara: don’t worry be Capy : )
if the second I text you back, you call me because you know I’m holding my phone, I will call the police.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
I woke up deciding to incorporate the parkour lifestyle into my daily life then reconsidered as I fell over again putting my jeans on
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
you can run but you can’t hide
*explaining the difference between tag and hide and seek*
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
Good morning.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.