me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
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Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
What did the bra say to the hat? “You go on a head, I’ll give these two a lift.” (I’m back to silly jokes. Probably for the best.)
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Me: theres a man outside fighting with water
Wife: the neighbour?
Me: yes
Wife: is he in the pool?
Me: yes
Wife: again, its called swimming
7-year-old: I jumped in a puddle and almost drowned!
Me: You’re exaggerating.
7: It was in that puddle you always complain about.
Okay, it might have been deep enough.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Follow me on Pinterest for seasonal craft ideas and spells for summoning ancient demons.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
[trying to make small talk with the lady cutting my hair]
so what do you do for a living
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing