“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
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Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.
*sticks a pencil in your ear and manually rewinds you back before you opened your mouth*
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
If you think you have a stupid question, just remember NASA engineers once asked Sally Ride if 100 tampons were enough for a 7 day mission.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
If y’all are gonna insist on calling those things “hoverboards,” I’ll be over here flying around with my “jetpack.”
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
The hoodie & shorts combo outfit, because you almost understand how body heat works.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Older siblings are the original Influencers. When I was little my brother said sausage pizza was gross and I didn’t eat it again for 20 years.
At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.