The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
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I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
People with infectious laughs make me want to be a better laugher.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!
Bird 2: It’s incredible!!
Bird: imma stand in the road
Bird 2: Me too
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
[museum]
Wheres the dinosaur bone exhibit?
“through that door”
Thank you very ruff!
“What’d you say?”
*2 dogs fall out of trench coat & run*
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*7:42 am
*gets out of bed*
*remembers it’s Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*Dog: “Oh good, you’re up!”
do horses think humans are hats
[Teaching pet elephant to wash the car]
ok Stompy fill your nose with water and spray it
*elephant crushes car*
why did I name you Stompy
Wait a minute…
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
[on trial for murder]
lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water
me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-
judge: answer the question
Don’t forget to tip your server
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school