Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
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Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
I finally had to tell the dog he was adopted.
I’m only 4’11 so don’t forget to look down when reading my tweets
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
That time I pointed out to the guy trying to sell a magazine subscription that I have a “No Soliciting” sign and he rolled his eyes and said, “Yeah but I’m not soliciting, I’m selling”. Thus ends the tale of why I have a “do not disturb” sign.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Teaching my kid math like:
If swimming lessons start in 3 minutes and the pool is 10 minutes away, how late are we going to be?
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Husband said, “If you were really THAT funny you wouldn’t have to always say COME ON, THAT WAS FUNNY.”
So now I have a tombstone to select
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
WIFE: you’ve had enough
ME (eating my 68th breadstick): aw man
OLIVE GARDEN MANAGER: let him eat one more lol