COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
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Therapist: U need some tools to cope with ur anger
Me: Like a sledgehammer?
T: No. More like breathing-
M: Fire? Can u make me breathe fire?
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
whoever said misery loves company spelled calories wrong
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
I honestly have allergies and dry skin this time of year, but it never looks good for a dude to have tissues & lotion on his desk.