The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
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The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
I give such good nudes that nobody ever needs to ask me for a second one.
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
[Me in a horror movie]
*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
[beehive]
DRONE BEE: I feel like she’s just using me
20,000 OTHER DRONE BEES: [nodding] I hear ya, bro
QUEEN: Back to work, handsome
DRONE BEES: [blush]
I asked my husband what he wanted for Father’s Day & he said silence & then we all laughed & laughed & the kids went back to breaking the sound barrier.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?