Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
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I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Math problem:
Q: John has 32 candy bars. He eats 28. What does he have now?
A: Diabetes. John has diabetes.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
good morning
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
Fun prank: Tweet “Brb gonna pet the tigers in the zoo” and then don’t tweet for nine years.
FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine