The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
2020: My work here is done. Nothing will ever top my masterpiece.
2021: Hold my Mountain Dew.
Me, to kids: “Yes, I’ll play, as soon as I finish my coffee.”
(Genius! We all know parents never get to actually finish a cup of coffee.)
wife: Do you want a bowl?
me [eating ice cream out of the carton] Why?
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
What if this “alert” was just Americans being called in from recess?
Enough of your nonsense, nap time.
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
Somebody’s lying.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
I scream, you scream, we all scream…
This fire drill is going really badly.
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture