The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
You Might Also Like
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Making a Jurassic Park movie about a guy who went the day before the dinosaurs broke out and is trying to be sensitive about it but also really wants to show you his pictures.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
*rearranges underwear drawer*
Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
breakfast: black coffee, overnight oats with sunflower & pumpkin seeds
lunch: lentil soup with carrots and onions, zero calorie vitamin water
dinner: 11 beers, net of babybel cheeses and cigarettes also
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
(drops a Cheetoh on the ground)
ants: seize him