The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
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The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
First date
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m currently trying to eliminate all cancers
Her: Wow, impressive
Him: Then I’ll move on to Virgos
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
just ONCE i’d like to casually enjoy a milkshake in my yard without being absolutely INUNDATED with boys
“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”
*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge
“This is the wrong video”
“No this is right”
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
4th Wiseman: I’ll just get him a gift card.
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
All parents share a common truth:
that children are wonderful, from the day they are born, til the day they can talk.
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one