The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
You Might Also Like
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Clothes shopping with my 11 y/o daughter when she declares she would love to dress in more bright colors but “at the same time, I’m a messy eater.” It takes many years for some people to reach this level of self-awareness.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
I got banged so hard today I’m still walking funny.
Sure it was my head vs the door of my vehicle but I’m still counting it.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
Do girls imagine themselves sucking in a invisible spaghetti when they’re about to take a picture?
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
hmmm
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth