@TheTweetOfGod: The Vatican just deleted all the Pope's tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
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@Tw1tter_K1tten: This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won't be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.
@wickedsuga: Randomly play a recording of a candy bar wrapper being opened just to keep your kids on their toes.
@LindseyEllison2: If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
@KalvinMacleod: [me, in a sting operation] Can I buy your best stuff? DRUG DEALER: what do u mean by stuff? *talking into my shirt* what do I mean by stuff?