The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
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I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
i just ate a disturbing amount of hummus. my apologies to my dog.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
HER: Let’s do some role playing
ME: Okay, be ur sister
HER: I was thinking a sexy profession..
ME: Oh okay. What’s ur sister do for work?
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
My apologies in advance as I present to you: Matilda Swinton
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.