the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
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garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Pass gas, not judgment.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Be the reason someone prefers the company of animals.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
People at work: you’re hilarious,man
Family: you’re really funny
Friends: you’re the funniest guy we know
Twitter: you’re occasionally witty, but don’t quit your day job
Wife: you’re an idiot. that’s not funny.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
Our lovely neighbours politely mentioned our piano was very noisy. So we put it up for sale on the street what’s app group. Their other neighbours on the other side of their house have literally just bought it
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Astronomers believe a black hole that’s 5 centimeters wide might be orbiting the Sun somewhere beyond Pluto.
We’re not going to try to do anything about it.
And that’s how small problems become large problems.