@maughammom: The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was "I know how to start a fire!" so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
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@CatsVsHumanity: Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
@Betfairpoker: I had a fight once. "You should see the other guy!" I said. My wife agreed. She's been seeing him for years now, they're a lovely couple.
@dorsalstream: Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
@Ygrene: What if life is just a big test to see how well we all treat birds? “I just happen to love birds!” I yell out the window unconvincingly