@maughammom: The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was "I know how to start a fire!" so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
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@PAT_E_ROCK: BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
@DomesticGoddss: Me: What's the suite number on that address? 8: It just says "Hashtag 301." Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
@AnOrangeSNES: [Victora's Secret] Wife: You're the most supportive person I know. *A person made of bras walks by* Me: Um what about that guy?