@UNTRESOR: The Victoria's Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
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@mjkspeaks: [on phone with attorney] HIM: you're being charged for murder. ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
@XplodingUnicorn: My toddler stole bacon off my plate. We all had a good laugh. Then I made her move out.
@theshamingofjay: It's a good thing this video game is rated mature because it's going to be babysitting the kids tonight.