The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.
You Might Also Like
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
I couldn’t afford an Ancestry DNA kit, so I announced that I won the lottery. I soon found out who my relatives are.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
3-year-old: Daddy, I don’t want hair that looks like yours.
Me: What does my hair look like?
3: Like stupid.
She gets her tact from me.
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
DISCIPLES: Why did it take you 3 days to come back from the dead?
JESUS: [remembering all the times he hit snooze] All the praying and stuff.
therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?
me: no thanks, I’m self-centered
therapist: again, that’s why we’re here
me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
Lawyer: where were you last Thursday night?
Me: I was hanging out with all of my friends
Lawyer: remember, you took an oath
Me: just one friend
Lawyer: an oath on the Bible
Me: *looks at ground* it was my mom
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
The morning after pill, but for tweets
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.