The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
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Oh the world we live in…
My teenager just stuck one of her AirPods in my ear and Eminem was playing. She looked me dead in the eye, as if I haven’t blasted this a million times, and had the audacity to ask, “isn’t he good?””
1) Go to Starbucks
2) Order coffee
3) Say your name is Waldo
4) Leave
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
this one time, my ex bf lifted a speaker up in front of my house to blast Bowie’s “Heroes” to be romantic, but a 20 second Geico ad played first
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
I was sitting in the public toilets when a guy in the cubicle next to me started smoking. Disgusting.
Nearly put me off my sandwich.
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Name’s Bond. James Bond. *Drinks martini* Jame’s Bond. Names Bond. *drinks another martini* Bame’s Jond. *Drinks 1 more* THIS IS MY SONG WOO
Nice try Hitler
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
? 💀
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
Want to play doctor? You be the patient, I be the lobotomist.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot