@othersome: the waiter grinds me some pepper. "tell me when." i never say 'when'. the restaurant and the city fill with pepper. sky turns black w/ peppr
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@KeetPotato: me: "£4,000 for a beehive?" salesman: "sir, there are 8,000 bees in there, that's only 50p each" me: [checking my wallet] "give me 3 bees"
@Cheeseboy22: Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
@TeaAndCopy: My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
@upsidedowntrash: [1st Row at Beyoncé Concert] Beyoncé: Who run da world?! *points mic at me* ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] …squirrels?