The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*