The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
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Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
me: clean your room
teen: okay(30 minutes later)
me: clean your room!
teen: okay!(one hour later)
me: *changes wifi password*And now we wait.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
Saturday
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
People are managing their retirement funds and I’m over here planning to call in sick the day I die
My first son he is wonderful
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
Worst feeling in the world is when you are loyal to all your 6 girlfriends but your favorite one is cheating on you!!
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Whenever my wife gets smug about winning an argument I like to remind her that up until a year ago she thought narwhals were mythological creatures.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.