Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty][Jesus and God hi-5]
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[in bed]
“No, I’m serious Amy. If this were a buddy cop movie would you try to avenge my murder even after the Chief took your gun & badge?”
me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
HR: Well?
Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot
HR:
Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye
HR:
Me: can I have my bra back?
CYCLOPS: How do u spell Hawaii?
WIFE [biting lip] well..u need 2 i’s
CYCLOPS [puts pen down] my life is just a joke to u isn’t it Linda
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults