The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
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Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
It’s like my father always used to say, “[years of silent disappointment]”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.