The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
You Might Also Like
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
When you let grandma cat sit
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
[on a date]
him: I hope you’re a Game of Thrones fan.
me: *stabs him with a sword then sleeps with his brother*
Me: I’m a strong, capable woman who can manage a little road trip by myself
Also me: *scream crying to my GPS* Why are there horses everywhere?! This was supposed to be a highway!
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
*limbos under the caution tape
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*