@Serious_Law_Guy: Me: Your honor, he's not asking the witness any questions. He's just reading Harry Potter to the jury. Judge: Yeah, I'm gonna allow it.

@madeleinedoux: "the pizza boy is here" It's time, I thought, cocking my shotgun. I was sending this half pizza half man abomination straight back to hell

@JasonLastname: [boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]

@GrandadJFreeman: In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood ... In 2012: he died of hunger.

@BuffyMaddingly: Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you're looking for a business manager.