@PajamaBen_: *dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*

@dwaghalter: "What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?" - my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome

@DonSchanke: For once I would like to find a babysitter that doesn't get all upset when she gets to my house and realizes I don't have kids

@gingerfaced: "Let me be clear" the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.

@AdamOfEarth: Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.