The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
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“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
asking santa clause for nudes
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
I hope it’s French Onion!
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
There’s no such thing as a 10 second rule, with a 5 second dog.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.