@midnitesoc: "The Walking Dad," but it's just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he's "not made of money"
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@man_spach: [on a test drive] Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants! Dealer: This car doesn't have heated seats. Me: Does it have napkins?
@Brianhopecomedy: My 4 year old and I are having an argument. I'm telling him that he is making me late for work and he's telling me that he is Batman.
@Vodkantots: Whoever said, "there's no place like home for the holidays" clearly hasn't been to my house.
@UncleDuke1969: Government Shutdown: Day 4 3am: Monkey House, National Zoo A door crashes open. A triumphant screech. Ben Stiller escapes into the night.