“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
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DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
♫When the moon hits your eye♫
You’ll be killed.
It’s massive.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
how to screw with your cat’s head 101
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
My sensitive skin moisturizer is sulking again
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
Hollywood hasn’t remade Spiderman in a couple weeks. I hope they’re okay.
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
*adds 50lb of bird seed to cart*
Acme online: people who buy this also buy
– bird-feeder
– giant mouse trap
– jet-propelled pogo stick
– painting fake tunnels for dummies
-first aid kit
– anvil
Scientist discovers largest prime number to date, when it was provided to him by a Spectrum customer service rep as a “confirmation number.”
[Jesus entering surf contest]
Judge: What type of board will you be riding?
Jesus: [looks at feet]
They’re using boards?
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
constantly torn between wanting to eat snacks and wanting to look like one