Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
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My neighbor once told me when I straightened my hair I looked like Jennifer Aniston, two days later he was taken away in a straight jacket. I think about that a lot.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
sistine chapel
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I feel it
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.
My wife and I will be sleeping.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.