Boss: We’re going to replace you with a robot
Me: lol good luck getting a robot to match my performance
Boss: It’s broken and does nothing
Me: shit
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Gingerbread man: i’m just not cut out for this
Therapist: actually you absolutely are
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.
Welcome to your fifties. Now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder. 😵💫
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.
youtube has completely changed how we handle home repairs. before, if something broke, you had to call a guy and wait for him to fix it. now you can just watch some youtube videos so you’re not bored while he fixes it.
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow