“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”
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me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
“have you seen the gas prices?” no man i drive with my eyes closed because it’s scary
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
I’m like a snack in the way that I hide in the pantry a lot
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
#ProTip
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
[job interview]
“So do you have any questions you’d like to ask me?”
Can I wait a week until I take the drug test?
[burglar gently waking me] you live like this?
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.