Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
[ opening mail ]
Her: The homeowners association made a new rule saying that we cannot display fake blood or any character from a horror film in the front yards of the neighborhood this year.
Me: What?!
Her: Guess you’ll have to do something nice using just pumpkins.
Me:
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Not saying I’m special but kids these days never have any money behind their ears.
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Today I learned not all people are appreciative of vetriloquism. Especially my gynecologist.
Ducks probably think platypuses are duck werewolves.
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too