i wish i could marry a nap
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I just discovered petting my dog counts as steps on my Fitbit. I’m unstoppable now.
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Him: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Usually.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
GOD: I gave you my son.
MAN: You mean your only son?
GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
At drop off, 5’s teacher said “good morning sweetheart” and 5 replied “mummy made fish for dinner last night and it was disgusting” then she skipped inside to tell Freya all about it
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Being a dad is great. On Christmas morning I’m just as surprised as the kids when they open the presents we bought them.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
“Well well well if it isn’t the guy I’m stalking.”
“Get out of my hamper.”