These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
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Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*bag rips*
*apple falls out*
me:
wife:
me: Well that was a waste of $100
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
My 5yo is a pretty good drawer but there’s only so many t-shirts you can fit into a tiny person.
I press my own doorbell to escape long-winded phone calls.
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.