The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
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Me: Here you go.
Her: WTF?
Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.
Her: I said gelatin mold!
Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
Her: Is breakfast almost ready?
Me: Yeah, I just have to drain the sausage.
Her: Can’t we please wait till after breakfast for that?
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
judge: do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth
me: no
judge: [covers mic] what do I do
Well it’s been a week and I’ve already f’ed things up so here’s to 2025
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
Home #decor warning.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
“How much to hire a church singing group?”
“You mean a choir?”
“Fine, how much to acquire a church singing group?”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th