The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.
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“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Nobody:
Every chicken recipe: PARSLEY, SAGE, ROSEMARY, AND THYME
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?