The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
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Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It’s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
I consider anything that doesn’t fit in the dishwasher to be for one time use.
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
DATING TIP: Don’t reply to texts right away or you might look desperate. Just wait. Give it 5, 10, maybe even 15 years. Keep things casual.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?