@PAT_E_ROCK: The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
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@david8hughes: [sees kid crying at the mall] R u lost? [kid nods, wiping tears] Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
@iwearaonesie: Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5 The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
@PAPPADEMAS: shame on Kellyanne Conway for attempting to politicize the Bowling Green massacre, in which I was killed
@Bryainiac: I don't know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn't even try to get out.